and still he wonders
by Ebaz
Summary: Because, as much as he hated himself for it, Sirius Orion Black had fallen for one Lily Christine Evans. —SiriusLily. Unrequited.


"Hey, Prongs?"

"What's up?"

"How d'you know you're in love?"

"…I dunno, mate, you just do. I suppose it's one of those innate things. Intuition, maybe."

"…"

"Why do you ask?"

Because Sirius was sure he was in love.

Because Sirius Black wasn't _supposed_ to fall in love—he was supposed to be the resident bachelor of the four of them, the _commitment-free dashing lad_ of Gryffindor House.

Because, as much as he hated himself for it, Sirius Orion Black had fallen for one Lily Christine Evans.

"Just wondering."

x-x-X-x-x

He traipsed into the Great Hall, the air around him laden with lethargy. The sky was still lightening above him on the enchanted ceiling, its pale pinks and blues casting a bit of the Scottish winter-morning onto his plate as he took a seat next to James. On his friend's other side was Lily, which wasn't too surprising. She and James were constantly attached to each other these days.

He wondered, bitterly, what would happen if he voiced his thoughts at the moment. _Yeah, eggs are fantastic this morning, I haven't done my Charms essay yet, and could you pass the salt, Lily, because you look amazing today and I want to snog your face off—_

"Sirius?"

James had probably been saying something. Shit. He refocused his attention.

"Sorry, didn't catch that…"

x-x-X-x-x

He went to Marlene that night, because he was frustrated and she was one hell of a shag. She didn't ask questions when he arrived uninvited; she was safe like that.

(So maybe he imagined her long blonde hair as red, or her blue eyes green. Maybe, when he shut his eyes tight, he could pretend the firmness of Marlene's body was the dainty figure of Lily's. It didn't bother his conscience much—it certainly wouldn't bother Marlene.)

Remus and Peter were asleep when he got back to the dormitory. James's bed was empty. He tried not to think about that too much.

As he lay there on his bed, staring up at the ceiling by the light of his wand, he realized what an awful job he was doing of ignoring it.

x-x-X-x-x

"You okay?"

"Sure. I'm fine." He forced a grin and turned the page of his Potions textbook as though he were following along with the professor's lecture.

James put a hand over the page. "C'mon, mate, what's wrong? You've been moody all week."

"That time of month?" he offered weakly. James didn't smile.

"No, really. I'm starting to think you're hiding something."

Sometimes, Sirius really hated how well James could read him.

"Had a fight with my mum," he muttered at last. It was a reasonable lie. James knew about all of the shit that went on in his ex-family.

"Oh." James's expression sobered up again. "Sorry."

"'S alright."

He remained silent for the rest of the class, trying to quash the feelings of resentment that sprung up whenever he looked towards James and Lily's table.

x-x-X-x-x

School ended. Years passed. Evans-and-Potter became Potters, and Black became Black-plus-a-flat-in-London. Old dreams waned with time spent apart; love became less important in the face of war.

(Or so he thought.)

When he heard the news about the McKinnons, he felt a curious sense of dread well up in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps he had really cared for her after all. But he put it firmly from his mind, because there wasn't much he could do about it now.

x-x-X-x-x

(In a few months, Sirius would find himself standing at the ruins of a small cottage in Godric's Hollow, watching his flying motorbike shrink to a silhouette against the sunset.

He would be alone for only a short time—mediwizards and Ministry officials and Propheteers would Apparate on the spot in a few minutes—and he would spend them locked in a daze, standing numbly by the door.

He wouldn't go inside. He wouldn't be able to bring himself to look at the bodies of his best friends, or close their blind eyes. It would feel wrong, somehow.

When he would get home, he would wonder if love was supposed to die with the person it was meant for.

And although he wouldn't be able to think of an answer, the tears staining his cheeks would confirm the worst.)

* * *

_A/N: I ship Jily and SiriusMarlene with a passion, but unrequited SiriusLily is always nice for a change. :3_

_Prompts: love, Sirius Black, sunset, hiding_


End file.
